Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Feeling more like a grown-up every day.....

I am finally growing up, won't my parents be proud?! 

Here comes my favorite quote again:  This becoming is harder than it seems.  Changing the way you've always done things, always responded to situations...it's hard work.  God has been walking me through the need to change the way my mind "sees" things for a long time.  I just now feel as though I'm 'getting it!

 I'm the one who has always felt like I had to "fix it"--whatever it was and who's ever it was that was broken.  One of the hardest areas of this is my marriage realtionship and in my boys with their dad.  I can want for them (especially DH) to see the bigger picture and respond differently himself--but I am finally realizing I can't DO it for them.  I'm also waking up to the idea that it doesn't mean they (especially the boys) will hold it against me. (This seems so elementary to hear myself saying, but I have never truly embraced this truth.)  To me it has always seemed like I had to make it all right because I am the really the reason the problems exists because I chose.  I chose my DH and I chose to have children, therefore, I am responsible to make all those relationships work.  SILLY!  But just what the Enemy has had me believing for a lot of years!! 

This morning after a night of going to bed without a situation "fixed" between by oldest and my DH and symbolically putting them in my hands and lifting my hands to God, asking Him to take them both and work on them, I woke up with a strange new sense of peace.  Also with a clear message from God that just because their relationship with each other is out of sorts at the moment, that doesn't mean that my relationship with either one of them has to be.  Is this making sense to anyone? 

For years I felt like I had to jump in and keep talking to both of them until they "saw the light" and resolved things......right then and right there.  This time new pieces of information and new scriptures I had memorized come flooding in instead.  It was a battle for ME then, would I continue my old ways or listen to what God had been teaching me.  My son is a baptized believer and so is my DH--they both have the indwelling of the Holy Spirit--they don't HAVE to have me!  Get it? 

Don't misunderstand, I still talked to them about what TRUTH says about various things I saw going on in each of them.  But that's where I left it.  The rest is up to God!  NOT me!  I don't have to make them "see it", no matter how plain it appears to me.  We are all at different places on our walks.  Not only that, things I'm realizing about how differently men process things may mean that what this means to me, may not actually be what it means to them!  See, thinking more like a grown-up. 

They haven't spoken to one other yet, as far as I know and I don't know what paths they'll each take to set the thing straight between them.  (I hope they don't just let it lay around to rear it's head again, but that's one of their options.)  I also hope they both have spent some time in prayer and introspection.  However the morning saw both of them expressing their love toward me.  My son doesn't hate me for picking a rotten dad (not that he is! but don't we all have our moments?)  Additionally my DH didn't ask me how I could not absolutely see things his way.  No, in fact it was business as pleasantly as usual. 

I still have so far to go.  When to jump in?  When to back off?  When is it my fault?   When is it a lie being fed to me from the Enemy?   When to defend?  When to hold one accountable?  How to make sure relationships are held onto with both hands but not at all costs? 

It's tough being a 'grown-up', at least the kind I desire to be. 

Gratefully I have such a grace-filled, merciful, appropriately discipling Father for a role model!  Thanks Dad, Love your Little Girl.

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